An Open Letter to One’s Almost True Love

An open letter to my one and only first love, and almost true love.

This will be my last article on this blog, since after this, I’ll be abandoning this blog, for good. I am supposed to be doing something advanced for my work, but since the words are already spilling themselves out, I decided to pour them out here, once and for all, as a form of release, as a form of admission, confession, and so that I’d know where to start after realizing this.

That has always been the thing, anyway. I was always able to make time for you, even when we were never given the right time to do things right.

This letter is for you, for the one whom this blog is dedicated to, for the one whose majority of the poems here are written for, for the one who is the reason why I wrote poetry,
and why I stopped.

I’d like to make this last letter a very positive, a very light-hearted, yet a very real and deep one, so I’ll forget the negatives, I’ll focus on what was good—the lessons, memories, reality itself, and why broken endings can still be as beautiful as the sunset we’ve first watched.

First of all, I’d like to thank you for loving me in a way that I guess no one could ever do. For 22 years, a lot of people have tried to ‘love’ me, but they never loved me as much as you did, and even now, as I continue to meet men who show their interest to me, I still couldn’t find that y’know. You have touched me in a way no one else did, and that is something solely yours I guess. We always shared a different kind of bond, you and I both know this, and will remember this. People around could not understand this, for all they saw was your/our mistakes, your failures, I am sorry for that, if that is what they saw from us, but I hope it matters more to you in what I saw, and that is a hand that held til the end, after many attempts of letting it go for good. Even til our last message last May, you were still open to such a possibility, even if I was heavily resenting it that time. Thank you for loving me when I was not yet ready, when I was not yet a double-degree holder, when I was not yet taking my masters nor Theology, when I did not know how to have my eyebrows trimmed, and more so when I was not yet into the ministry even if you were already considering that or you were already into it. Men right now, they say they like me because I am into the ministry, but isn’t that unfair to someone like you who chose me even when I was a literature major who studied all the ideologies that are against His Word? How I wish I can erase people’s negative views on you, how I wish I could delete all those rumors against you, and how I wish everyone could just understand you a little more…nevertheless you are still blessed and loved by many, and you still remain to be a blessing to them too, and that’s enough for me to see. Thank you.

 

Thank you for loving me even within a constrained time, even when the right timing never arrived for us, even when the sunshine was brief and the end was quick yet long and painful. Like “The Fault in Our Stars”, I am grateful to you for giving me infinity within a numbered days.

 

Secondly, I’d like to thank you for teaching me so many things that nothing else in this world could ever teach me. Once three years ago, I wrote a poem “Four Word Pedagogy” on how LOVE can teach you so many things. And I could say, that I’ve learned so much from the way we loved, and to me personally it has become a “Four Year Pedagogy”, almost like a college course. Haha. I have learned so much in the way we started, in the way it has been fought and endured for, and in the way it faded and came to an end. I’ve learned from all the joys and tears, the smiles and the pain, the holding and the releasing. Now, looking back, I have learned too, to stop blaming you for how and why it ended. I could not also blame myself enough, or God, or my parents, or anyone else, even time. I guess we met each other just to understand this course, to show each other things that no one else did. We were never the same after May 23, 2013 and after August 20, 2013. A part of us will always carry that wherever we go, wherever God takes us in this life, whatever journey we might take, and I am grateful enough to be a lesson you can carry on through life. We may never end up together, but you can still in a way carry me til death, and vice-versa. I am thankful that we’ve both changed for the better, to see you where you are now, and where I am now, separately, I know that a part of us have stemmed from the togetherness we once shared. Those dreams, those long conversations that were real and genuine, those long walks we loved to share, those places we’ve adventured in, those foods we have enjoyed, and those silences we have shared will always stay in my heart, in my mind and in my life. I am not proud of the mistakes that we have done, of the sins we have committed against God and our authorities, but I am grateful for God’s mercies that relentlessly followed us. I am still grateful that His grace and mercies led us to where we are now. I guess His greatest chastisement to our disobedience is not allowing us to be together at the end, nevertheless I am still thankful that He was patient enough to see us grow through all the hurt that our sin has put ourselves into.

Lastly, I would just like to wish you all God’s best. I understand that right now, everything is over, and we are just waiting for the rest of these to subside and to fade, to heal and recover according to His timing. If ever there is a slightest of chances for our roads to meet again in such a way in the future, I know that it will be ultimately be of God, and not out of our forcing, pursuing, or our arguing and pushing. Contrary to my decision last month to start praying for someone else to come, I will rather begin praying for myself, my studies, and whatever God’s future plan for me is… I will not hasten to love again this time. I know for sure that it will take a long time for me to do so. As of now, I am sure that I still cannot, and I will not. I will take my time, I will enjoy my singleness, my studies, my service and simply the Lord Himself, Whom we should be loving more than any of these that He gives. That is where we failed Him, when we forsook our real first love in exchange for a lesser one, and I hope this is a lesson we will always put into mind whenever tempted to love Him less in exchange for another lesser one. I’ll be praying for you, as a friend, as a brother in Christ, as a co-laborer in His work (yaay). We are still partners in the ministry, and to be able to serve together separately is already a great privilege for me. You may not be with me in the next 3 years of my study in Bible school but I will certainly be reminded of you and your experiences, your trials and triumphs, constantly in almost every walls of the school, and in the streets too. I hope for all of God’s best, His strength and enablement in your life to do the sound and God-honoring decisions in your future endeavors. I long to see your ministry be planted, yield harvest and grow in His grace, in knowledge and in truth.

 

In forgiveness, we shut the doors for all bitterness, for focusing on the mistakes, for focusing on the hurt, pain and the desire for vengeance. Rather, in forgiveness, we open the gates for total recovery, healing and reconciliation, for focusing on the lessons, the memories, the good that has been shared together. I will forget the pains soon, but I will not forget you and how you infinitely changed my life.

I will not close this blog, I’ll not delete all my former poems, I’ll just leave this all here. How I wish I can personally tell you this, but in case the Lord no longer permits, I hope you’d stumble here.

 

They say that a love that is under the wrong time is not love, but with you, I will have to disagree with them. As much as God makes all things beautiful in His time, He also makes all things work together for good, even our pasts, even our mistakes. That is why I just thank and love the Lord for His graciousness and His mercies. Our relationship may not be right, it may not be beautiful in their eyes, but it made something good. It was not and will not be ever put to waste. It may ended tragically to some but to me it was true. It may be short-lived to some but to me it was sincere. It may seem to be a mess to them but to me it was memorable. I am sorry for everything. I also forgive you for everything. I do not hate you, and I will definitely not have a reason to do so. I cannot unlove you, and I guess I never will.

 

 

Advertisements

“The Acts(is) of Man”

112715

“The modernity of Man
Is like the death of a star,
Which you think still shines but nay,
It’s already dead.

The industrialization of Man
Is like a firework–
With noises and sparks that light up the night,
But for a twinkling throb and gone.

The progressivism of Man
Is like a bullet train or a jet plane,
Which speed disallows the eyes
To see the grandeur of the land.

The postmodernity of Man
Is like their broken, fragmented hearts–
Overcome by the confusion there is:
Every thing, claiming to be true.

The globalization of Man
Is like a five-day holiday,
And they are colonized, unknowingly
Both by their supports and their protests.

The history of Man
Is all about being vacuumed into a vacuum–
‘Tis how time sucks youth out of life,
‘Tis how it stole you from mine.

(But yeah, despite the decaying of Man
In struggling, seeds see the Sun,
The seasons, changing but constant,
So are the stories that have woven you and I.

The language of Man is changing
But always structured. Just like love,
Like hope, faith, taking different shapes
But it’s there. It’s still here.

Thus, the paths of Man is but anchored
To a circular progression.
‘Tis a bridge from sunset to sunrise.
Now you know why the planets are round?)”

All It Takes Is Faith

10-30-15

FAITH is the VICTORY that overcomes the world.
Indeed, it takes faith–full surrender to God’s control, letting go of things that beset us, facing our fears, stepping out of our comfort zones, holding on to God’s Word–to definitely please Him.

I believe the Lord is pleased when we maintain and sustain a ‘child-like’ faith–willing to give it all to the Lord and willing to do whatever the Lord requires us to do. That is faith. We don’t know what will happen next, but we trust God and His Word and that He is in control of whatever is happening now. I believe that is the ‘faith’ that pleases God.

Faith is obedience to God’s commands. It is trusting that obeying whatever God tells us to do will be for the completion of His work and His will for us. It is also being confident, unashamed of what what God wants us to do. It is to overcome the doubts that the world tries to put in our minds as we step in obedience and live by faith. It is to look to the Author and Finisher of our faith whenever the world around us tries to distract our attention and focus.

Lastly, a faith that pleases God is one that will ultimately, require us to lay aside the sin that besets us and to realize that our Heavenly Father’s chastisement is His way to bring us back to His ‘promised land’ for us. It is because He loves us so much and He wants His will to be fulfilled in us that’s why He has to chastise us and we have to put aside every sin that beset us, leave it there and stop playing around it. The Lord wants us to look up and ahead and allow Him to unfold His ways for us.

It is this faith that pleases the Lord. It is indeed this faith that moves mountains and creates the most unexpected and miraculous plot-twists in our lives that we would have never imagined happening. Ultimately, this is now the Lord fulfilling His Word to us. This is the Lord doing and completing His work in us. This is the Lord giving us the victory….

Indeed the Lord blesses obedience. He is pleased with our surrender because now it is no longer us who is bringing our lives to wayward places but He who knows best and who can bring us to His promised places for us. This is His promised abundant life for His obedient and faithful children. It may not be material abundance, but definitely spiritual abundance. Whenever we are obeying Him, pleasing Him by faith, we are actually in the center of His will, the best place ever. We wouldn’t ask for anything more but His presence to perpetually guide and keep us. We are ultimately filled spiritually because we can see the Lord moving by faith. We would realize how awesome is it to be by His side and never even wish to depart from it. Yes, there would be times where battles come, wars come, and the sins that we’ve laid aside a long time ago resurfaces and tries to distract our walk, but may the Lord increase our faith and realize that turning away from doubt and sin and turning to God for strength by faith is the only weapon to conquer them.

I learned that faith is indeed the victory that overcomes the world, and this faith that already conquered death (by grace are we saved through faith, not by works…) Is still and will always be our shining shield.

“Catharsis “

image

092915
(Thanks to Carl Jung’s Mythological Archetype on Water.)

“For once, the evening was so real.

It began with the sight of a sunset that reaches the gloomiest corridors of crumbling dreams.
I waited at the park, for a ride that took so long.
I met surprises that led me back to you.
Then on my way home,
I was not able to resist,
I revisited the days where evenings were so real.
At the same places, I saw, time moving swiftly.
With and without grace, I witnessed them again.
Then yes, the evening became real again,
As tears filled my eyes that was in drought
For days and weeks and months and years.
And as I release the dam built in my eyes,
I remembered my illness, the colds that clogged the pathways,
Of breathing, exhaling.
But in the midst of me hustling,
Doing my best to catch my breath,
I was reminded of how tears
Detoxifies. Purges. Cleanses. Purifies.
The reason we loved bodies of water.
The reason why we began facing the ocean
And ended facing a pond.
Then as I arrived home, I thought I’ve forgotten.
Not until I read, a story far-fetched,
But no. It made the evening even more real.
It showed how we can betray ourselves,
Each other,
And tears fell again, as I remembered
How you told someone else ‘I feel like I’ve lost something precious’.
The evening has become so real.
The evening is so real.
The evening will always be so real.”

“We Have Come”

083115

“We’ve come this far and I still can’t believe it.
Times have changed and I still can’t imagine–
For the better through the worst we’ve had it all in.
And I am so thankful that we are just here.

Like an unstoppable rhythm that bursts out into tears.
I smile from afar and let the wind carry it to you.
I know this is dramatic but allow me to express,
I am just so thankful that we are here.

Can it be possible for us to be glad in this severing?
Oh dear now I guess this is what love truly is.
We do not need to be a part of the success,
Yet separately we can rejoice, we can rejoice.

Times have changed–they healed and restored,
Miraculously and ironically it takes us to be apart
For us to see the bigger picture clearly and wonderfully,
Separately we do rejoice, we do rejoice.

So yes I thought the process is always storms,
But no, the Sun, He shines through clouds.
A consolation we feel in every hidden tear shed,
Now seas apart, shores await our beating hearts.

Passionately we tread, keep on walking this path
Straightened each day, though crooked be the world.
Take courage. Be strong. Be brave in loneliness,
For time comes and we shall meet halfway, and we would have come.”

“Two Hands”

08.13.15

“Two hands. One is short and one is long.
Don’t you see them pave the way?
Can’t you see how they point two directions
That are most of the time different from one another?
Seldom do we see them agree.
Seldom do their paths cross, meet
Unite.
Most of the time they miss a shot.
Miss a split second.
A moment where one arrives after one has left.
Where one returns after one has given up.
Where one lingers while another moves.
And we always say that the timing is wrong,
It ain’t just right.
But don’t you see?
That’s the path they have to take my dear.
Different at most times.
Opposite too, sometimes.
And they struggle. Because they are to tear themselves apart and break free from the hand that connects them.
But they have to tread the path, and continue
Though it rips their ribs apart.
They still hold on. So tight that they don’t break down into pieces and if the short hand slows down in her progress,
The long hand is there to wait for her. They still move in motion and their constancy never changes. 60 seconds is always a minute and 60 minutes is always an hour and at the appointed time they will meet my dear.
So take heart because they will meet in time.
See the wonderful analogy?
That’s how things should be.
That’s how we should be.”

“Tao po”

08.11.15
“Tao po. Andiyan ka ba? Andiyan ka pa ba?
Ayan ka nanaman.
Kumakatok tapos babawiin ang kamaong nakadikit sa malamig na pintuan.
Kung kailan nahanap ko na ang nawawalang susi sa double-lock,
Ay itinigil mo nanaman ang pangagatok.
At sa pagkawala ng tunog,
Ay nawala na din ang gana kong dumiretso sa pinto.
Alam ko na yan. Kilala na kita.
Oo may gusto kang iparating
Pero hindi ko alam kung sadyang
Ayaw ba ng panahon
O may hiya at takot ka lang sa loob mo na nagpapahinto sa galaw mo.
Kilala na kita. Pangilang beses mo na ba akong nabigo at mukhang di ka nagsasawa?
At ako naman ay parang baliw na lagi nalang binubuksan ang pinto kahit alam kong wala ka naman na sa harapan ko.
Pero ngayon tama na muna. Di ko na yan bubuksan. Itatapon ko na din ang susi upang di ko na sya mahanap pa.
May bago pa ba sayo? Hindi na ako aasa pa.
Sa susunod, ikaw na mismo ang magisip ng paraan para buksan ang pintong ito.
At manalangin ka na nasa loob pa ako.
Dahil madaming bintana, may rooftop, may terrace.
Marami akong gamit. Madami akong nakayang gawin kahit wala ka.
Kaya wag ka na rin magtaka sa akin.
Dahil kaya kong tumalon. Tumakbo. Lumipad. “