An open letter to my one and only first love, and almost true love.
This will be my last article on this blog, since after this, I’ll be abandoning this blog, for good. I am supposed to be doing something advanced for my work, but since the words are already spilling themselves out, I decided to pour them out here, once and for all, as a form of release, as a form of admission, confession, and so that I’d know where to start after realizing this.
That has always been the thing, anyway. I was always able to make time for you, even when we were never given the right time to do things right.
This letter is for you, for the one whom this blog is dedicated to, for the one whose majority of the poems here are written for, for the one who is the reason why I wrote poetry,
and why I stopped.
I’d like to make this last letter a very positive, a very light-hearted, yet a very real and deep one, so I’ll forget the negatives, I’ll focus on what was good—the lessons, memories, reality itself, and why broken endings can still be as beautiful as the sunset we’ve first watched.
First of all, I’d like to thank you for loving me in a way that I guess no one could ever do. For 22 years, a lot of people have tried to ‘love’ me, but they never loved me as much as you did, and even now, as I continue to meet men who show their interest to me, I still couldn’t find that y’know. You have touched me in a way no one else did, and that is something solely yours I guess. We always shared a different kind of bond, you and I both know this, and will remember this. People around could not understand this, for all they saw was your/our mistakes, your failures, I am sorry for that, if that is what they saw from us, but I hope it matters more to you in what I saw, and that is a hand that held til the end, after many attempts of letting it go for good. Even til our last message last May, you were still open to such a possibility, even if I was heavily resenting it that time. Thank you for loving me when I was not yet ready, when I was not yet a double-degree holder, when I was not yet taking my masters nor Theology, when I did not know how to have my eyebrows trimmed, and more so when I was not yet into the ministry even if you were already considering that or you were already into it. Men right now, they say they like me because I am into the ministry, but isn’t that unfair to someone like you who chose me even when I was a literature major who studied all the ideologies that are against His Word? How I wish I can erase people’s negative views on you, how I wish I could delete all those rumors against you, and how I wish everyone could just understand you a little more…nevertheless you are still blessed and loved by many, and you still remain to be a blessing to them too, and that’s enough for me to see. Thank you.
Thank you for loving me even within a constrained time, even when the right timing never arrived for us, even when the sunshine was brief and the end was quick yet long and painful. Like “The Fault in Our Stars”, I am grateful to you for giving me infinity within a numbered days.
Secondly, I’d like to thank you for teaching me so many things that nothing else in this world could ever teach me. Once three years ago, I wrote a poem “Four Word Pedagogy” on how LOVE can teach you so many things. And I could say, that I’ve learned so much from the way we loved, and to me personally it has become a “Four Year Pedagogy”, almost like a college course. Haha. I have learned so much in the way we started, in the way it has been fought and endured for, and in the way it faded and came to an end. I’ve learned from all the joys and tears, the smiles and the pain, the holding and the releasing. Now, looking back, I have learned too, to stop blaming you for how and why it ended. I could not also blame myself enough, or God, or my parents, or anyone else, even time. I guess we met each other just to understand this course, to show each other things that no one else did. We were never the same after May 23, 2013 and after August 20, 2013. A part of us will always carry that wherever we go, wherever God takes us in this life, whatever journey we might take, and I am grateful enough to be a lesson you can carry on through life. We may never end up together, but you can still in a way carry me til death, and vice-versa. I am thankful that we’ve both changed for the better, to see you where you are now, and where I am now, separately, I know that a part of us have stemmed from the togetherness we once shared. Those dreams, those long conversations that were real and genuine, those long walks we loved to share, those places we’ve adventured in, those foods we have enjoyed, and those silences we have shared will always stay in my heart, in my mind and in my life. I am not proud of the mistakes that we have done, of the sins we have committed against God and our authorities, but I am grateful for God’s mercies that relentlessly followed us. I am still grateful that His grace and mercies led us to where we are now. I guess His greatest chastisement to our disobedience is not allowing us to be together at the end, nevertheless I am still thankful that He was patient enough to see us grow through all the hurt that our sin has put ourselves into.
Lastly, I would just like to wish you all God’s best. I understand that right now, everything is over, and we are just waiting for the rest of these to subside and to fade, to heal and recover according to His timing. If ever there is a slightest of chances for our roads to meet again in such a way in the future, I know that it will be ultimately be of God, and not out of our forcing, pursuing, or our arguing and pushing. Contrary to my decision last month to start praying for someone else to come, I will rather begin praying for myself, my studies, and whatever God’s future plan for me is… I will not hasten to love again this time. I know for sure that it will take a long time for me to do so. As of now, I am sure that I still cannot, and I will not. I will take my time, I will enjoy my singleness, my studies, my service and simply the Lord Himself, Whom we should be loving more than any of these that He gives. That is where we failed Him, when we forsook our real first love in exchange for a lesser one, and I hope this is a lesson we will always put into mind whenever tempted to love Him less in exchange for another lesser one. I’ll be praying for you, as a friend, as a brother in Christ, as a co-laborer in His work (yaay). We are still partners in the ministry, and to be able to serve together separately is already a great privilege for me. You may not be with me in the next 3 years of my study in Bible school but I will certainly be reminded of you and your experiences, your trials and triumphs, constantly in almost every walls of the school, and in the streets too. I hope for all of God’s best, His strength and enablement in your life to do the sound and God-honoring decisions in your future endeavors. I long to see your ministry be planted, yield harvest and grow in His grace, in knowledge and in truth.
In forgiveness, we shut the doors for all bitterness, for focusing on the mistakes, for focusing on the hurt, pain and the desire for vengeance. Rather, in forgiveness, we open the gates for total recovery, healing and reconciliation, for focusing on the lessons, the memories, the good that has been shared together. I will forget the pains soon, but I will not forget you and how you infinitely changed my life.
I will not close this blog, I’ll not delete all my former poems, I’ll just leave this all here. How I wish I can personally tell you this, but in case the Lord no longer permits, I hope you’d stumble here.
They say that a love that is under the wrong time is not love, but with you, I will have to disagree with them. As much as God makes all things beautiful in His time, He also makes all things work together for good, even our pasts, even our mistakes. That is why I just thank and love the Lord for His graciousness and His mercies. Our relationship may not be right, it may not be beautiful in their eyes, but it made something good. It was not and will not be ever put to waste. It may ended tragically to some but to me it was true. It may be short-lived to some but to me it was sincere. It may seem to be a mess to them but to me it was memorable. I am sorry for everything. I also forgive you for everything. I do not hate you, and I will definitely not have a reason to do so. I cannot unlove you, and I guess I never will.